


i just wasn't cool yet

by lizardboyo



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst, Autistic Character, Break Up, Canon Compliant, Canon Related, Canon Universe, F/F, Lapis Lazuli Has PTSD - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Polyamory, autistic steven (steven universe), i'm so Gay and i have a lot of emotions about these gays, kind of asdfhdskjf, ugh it's edgy and sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-20
Updated: 2017-12-14
Packaged: 2019-02-04 17:38:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,543
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12776055
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lizardboyo/pseuds/lizardboyo
Summary: it's such a long walk home





	1. all that's left to do is burn

**Author's Note:**

> sorry it's short i have  
> 1) no motivation  
> 2) no attention span

Lapis stares into the small fire she built for herself. She found a planet that seemed like a rip-off planet earth. She found a planet with the same kind of atmosphere as earth, and the same kind of "basic human needs", and the same kind of everything that she learned to love, and the same kind of everything that reminds her of everyone she left behind.

It hurts. It hurts to think about, and thats the only thing she has left to do— think. She would laugh at the irony, but right now she doesn't find it funny. It hurts to think about how far away she is from Peridot and Amethyst, and it doesn't help that she has the whole damn barn with her. Everything she does reminds her of Earth. She thinks she misses it, but she can't quite tell. She knows she misses Peridot. She knows she misses amethyst.

She misses steven just as much, if not even more, but thinking about him drags lapis into shutting down completely. She knows she let him down.

She can't breathe. Well, she doesn't have to in the first place, but it's something she started doing after she unfused from Jasper. She does it as a reminder of how fragile life is and how much she should appreciate the things she has while they last.

She never does though. All she does is think about the past and dwell on everything she's fucked up. Peridot told her countless times (not actually countless times, lapis knows she's been told exactly fifty four times) that she should stop doing that. Stop thinking about every mistake she's made, it doesn't do anything to make her feel better. Amethyst said it sucks and agreed with Peridot, but then continued to kiss lapis. Amethyst and lapis cope in the same ways.

_I guess I'll have to face that in this awful place._

They both try to ignore all their problems and it doesn't ever help anyone or anything and the situations never get any better but it's fine it's fine it's fine.

It's really not.

_I shouldn't show a trace of doubt,_

Lapis knows she can't keep running (more-so flying) from every problem she has, but that's not gonna stop her from doing it anyway.

_But pulled against the grain,_

She's falling apart. she has been for thousands of years, but it's finally sinking in. Ever since the war nothing has been the same, she hasn't been able to just live a normal life. She's either on the run or she's trapped.

"I can't keep doing this, I can't live like this" lapis thinks to herself.

She can't even call it living. it's been so long since she's done something. Sure she's made friends, she's made enemies, and she's been in love, but she hasn't done anything important in such a long time.

_I feel a little pain that I would rather do without._

At least when she was trapped in a mirror she was helping others, now she can't even stay in one place long enough to feel safe. She hasn't been a productive member of blue diamond's court in way too long and there's no way she could ever show her face on homeworld again.

_I'd rather be free._

There's so many things she wish she could say to so many gems. There's so many places she can never return to. She doesn't have any place to call a home.

If she told Peridot how she felt, lapis knows that she would be told that the barn is her home and that it's illogical to insinuate such a thing. If she told Amethyst, they'd probably cry together. If she held didn't tell anyone and just kept it all bottled up she'd be acting like herself and no one would question it.

_I'd rather be free._

Lapis Lazuli puts her hand into the fire that has grown drastically in size. She doesn't feel anything. She's tired.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song that lapis sings is escapism by rebecca sugar
> 
> chapter title is a lyric from the plan (fuck jobs) by the front bottoms


	2. fill up the space that i don't need

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> meanwhile! on earth!

"Yeah she just kinda," Peridot sighs, "Up and left. I mean really,  _up_ , she took the barn and flew into space."

Amethyst looks to Steven and sees he's trying not to cry. He's not doing a very good job of it, but Amethyst knows that now isn't a good time to joke with him about it. There's a lot of times where Amethyst doesn't know what she's supposed to say and she assumes it's because she's defective. She stays silent.

"I don't know what we're supposed to do," Steven wipes his eye.

"Neither do I, little man," Amethyst smiles sadly and regrets it immediately. There's no way she's convincing anyone that things will be okay.

The three stay seated on the beach and stare into the waves. No one says anything for a few more minutes, but it's obvious that the only thing the water reminds them of is Lapis. Amethyst can't get herself to pull her eyes away from the large waves forming on the horizon. She half expects to see Lapis flying somewhere amidst the deep blue, but knows better than to get her hopes up.

There has never been another gem who understood the way Amethyst feels. Steven is able to empathize, but Amethyst knows that he doesn't loathe himself the way that she does. Lapis and Amethyst truly  _click_ in a way that they both lack the words to explain. Normally Amethyst feels the need to justify everything she does; she feels like no matter what she does that her shortcomings will outweigh everything else she's accomplished. The only gem she doesn't feel that way around is Lapis. It's okay to keep her mouth shut and just let the world keep spinning when she's with Lapis.

But Lapis is gone. Amethyst can't help but feel like the ocean is more quiet than ever. She would say something about it, but there's no way Peridot or Steven could understand what she means. When Lapis is around, there's no need to keep talking and talking. It's okay to be quiet. The ocean pours into each crevice of silence and everything feels safe.

But now the ocean won't make a noise and Amethyst is drowning in the quiet. It's not a normal kind of quiet, however, it's more like her head is pounding. Like she just shot a gun right next to her ears and she can't hear anything. Like she's underwater and the salty ocean is filling her ears so everything around her is so muffled and depressing that she can't even try to focus.

Steven gets up and goes back into the temple. Peridot lays down on amethyst's lap. Tears roll from her deep green eyes onto Amethyst's thigh. Amethyst doesn't mind, nor does she avert her eyes from the horizon. She feels like she should, but she doesn't. She knows that she'll cry too and she really doesn't want to cry.

Amethyst tries to think about something other than her girlfriends. She can't. She's dwelling again.

*

"It's just so hard to understand why she would leave us."

_No it's not, Steven._

"I thought she was ready to stay, I thought she was ready to fight for the life she built with you, Peridot."

_Well, she wasn't. We can't change it._

"I feel like she abandoned us."

_I do too._

"I do too." Peridot says weakly. She's been crying for hours.

"Is this how Connie felt? We worked so hard— Lapis worked so hard— to become more than just herself. We've all learned to grow and face our fears." Steven pauses, "or, i thought we all did. Not her."

Amethyst hears anger in his voice. Maybe not anger, but instead betrayal. The same kind of betrayal that he felt when Peridot stole the diamond line. That turned out to be okay, so maybe this will too. Probably not though. It doesn't feel like anything will ever be right again.

Peridot nods.

Amethyst nods.

Peridot opens her mouth to say something, but closes it again. Amethyst leans over to her and lifts her visor, then kisses her gently on the gem. she doesn't know any other way to help. Peridot smiles at Amethyst and a soft blush spreads across her face. Her features are worn from being so emotional. Amethyst can see how dark the circles under her eyes have become, she can see where tears have stained Peridot's cheeks. She can see how much pain Peridot is in.

"I'm sorry, Peri."

Peridot's taken off guard. She's confused.

"Wh-what? Why?"

Amethyst inhales. Holds her breath. Exhales. She's sorry about everything she's ever done, but that's not a good answer. She's sorry about being so distant. She's sorry for only being able to express her feelings through physical contact. She's sorry that Peridot is attached to her. She's sorry that she doesn't ever do anything productive.

"I'm sorry that you have to go through this," she finally decides on what to say.

"It's not your fault."

"It's not your fault either. You know that, right?"

Amethyst looks at Peridot right as she looks away.

"I feel like I could have done a better job of preventing the situation, but in the end I do know that it is not my fault. Lapis made the decision, not me. I just wish I could have done a better job of expressing my emotions to her before she made up her mind. if I had she may not have left." Peridot closes her eyes and sighs.

Amethyst nods in understanding. She doesn't know what to say, but she knows how Peridot feels.

"Peridot, even if you did talk to her sooner..." Steven starts, but trails off and doesn't finish his sentence.

The sun is setting. The sky is a shade of orange. Amethyst hates it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> title is a lyric from don't fill up on chips by the front bottoms


	3. this love will never be convenient

There has to be some way to find Lapis, there _has_ to be.

Peridot knows how to build basically any piece of technology as long as she’s provided the materials, but that’s the problem. She hasn’t been provided the materials. The earth is filled with the proper substances, but the only way to use them would be to continue the Diamonds’ original plan of turning it into a colony. That’s not going to happen.

She’s sitting on the bathroom floor hugging her knees, rocking back and forth. Steven and Amethyst left a few minutes ago to let Peridot regather herself. She’s not regathering herself. She’s not even trying. She scoots across the floor to lock the bathroom door. She doesn’t want anyone to see her like this. Vulnerable.

Deep breaths.

In.

Hold it.

Out.

Peridot abandons her emotions and tries to think as logically as she possibly can. She’s been living with Lapis Lazuli for more than a year. Or, had been living with her. now Lapis is far far away probably never to be seen again.

_No._

Lapis flew in the opposite direction of Homeworld. Her biggest goal was, no doubt, to stay as far away from Homeworld as Possible. She might want to live without any hint of Earth. But no, Peridot knows that Lapis always thinks about the past. Peridot knows that Lapis doesn’t let go.

Peridot won’t let go either.

*

“Steven, I know you probably won’t like this idea but, I want to try to find Lapis out there in space even though it’s probably useless,” peridot rushes the sentence out in one breath.

She expects Steven to immediately protest, but she sees a glint of hope in his eyes.

“I like that idea I just,” Steven pauses, “I don’t know how we would do it. We have no way to find her.”

Peridot has recited this to herself in the bathroom mirror multiple times, and she can do it again. Deep breaths. She closes her eyes.

“I understand that it’s likely hopeless, but I think that I know Lapis well enough to be able to try to guess where she could have gone. At first I thought that she may try to find a planet that’s entirely different from Earth, but rethinking it I’ve come to the conclusion that she probably tried to find a planet nearly identical.” she waits for Steven’s response. He says nothing, but silently urges her to continue.

“She brought the barn with her, and out of the context of the Earth I know that the barn would serve her no use. It wouldn’t comfort her at all. So, we saw the direction she flew off in and it’s easy to assume that she wouldn’t change direction. She was probably too busy thinking to try to put much effort into searching planets. She wants to be as far away from Homeworld as possible.” Peridot finishes confidently, seeing that Steven’s eyes are still filled with hope.

“Peridot I really hope you’re right,” Amethyst says as she walks out from her room, carrying various pieces of metal and scraps, “Now get in here and help me find anything to build a ship with.”

Peridot truly smiles for the first time in a week. She doesn’t know what will come of this all in the end, but right now she’s happy to be bonding with Steven and Amethyst.

*

Things would be so much easier if Lion wasn’t missing in action. He probably knows where Lapis is, Peridot thinks to herself, he always has the solutions.

Just then, Peridot realized that she had studied about another earth-like planet in close proximity. The only reason that Homeworld hadn’t invaded yet was because keeping watch on Earth was top priority. Lapis probably doesn’t know the specifics like Peridot does, but Peridot knows that any wandering gem would easily evaluate the planet as high quality. Especially a Lapis Lazuli, gems made for using the raw materials of planets to improve them.

Peridot looks up from welding.

“Steven, I know where she is.”

“Really?” Steven asks, but his mind is elsewhere; he’s focused on building.

“Yes, there’s a planet just like earth only a few star systems away from this one. It’s perfect.” Peridot says with a large smile on her face.

This is _perfect_ , there’s nowhere else Lapis could be. Peridot works faster.

Amethyst comes back in and she’s followed by Garnet, Pearl, Greg, and Sadie.

*

Only a week or so later the seven of them completed a ship large enough for three passengers, there was no debate as to who got to go. Well, there was a little bit of debate because everyone is constantly worried about Steven. Peridot still doesn’t quite understand why, but she figures she’ll learn in time.

Peridot helps Steven to pack up food and drinks to last him up to a month. She knows it’s only going to take about four days to get to the new planet, given nothing goes wrong, but Pearl insists upon preparing for a month. Peridot knows better than to argue with Pearl at this point, especially when it comes to Steven’s wellbeing. Amethyst helps by grabbing Steven’s favorite blankets and his softest stuffed animals. Peridot finds it kind of pointless, but Steven finds comfort in these simple objects.

Once peridot finishes helping Amethyst to get Steven all situated in the ship, she hugs the purple gem tightly. She almost never initiates physical contact, but she knows it’s something they both need.

“Thank you both so much for believing in me.” Peridot says to Steven and Amethyst.

“Of course P-dot,” Amethyst smiles.

Steven smiles too, he goes in for a group hug with Peridot and Amethyst. Peridot sighs into the two others and holds back tears. She doesn’t know why she’s about to cry, but she doesn’t think she’s sad. Mostly she’s relieved, she’s hopeful, but she’s also afraid. She tries to ignore the last bit, however.

Things are finally looking up. Steven says his goodbyes one last time and Amethyst closes the doors of the ship. Peridot begins take-off. She feels like things will be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title is a line from tattooed tears by the front bottoms


	4. a love that i'll learn when i've been through the same

Steven wakes up suddenly and jumps to his feet.

“Sup, bud?” Amethyst asks with concern as she turns around quickly to check on Steven.

“Bad dream.” Steven replies mindlessly.

He looks around the ship, about the size of an average bedroom, and regains composure. it’s only been about a day, but he’s already so worried about everything that could go wrong. He trusts Peridot’s building techniques and skills, but he still finds it hard to stay at ease for longer than an hour or so. any time he hears the ship skip a rotation or any time Peridot makes an anxious noise Steven is immediately filled with panic.

Steven is surprised when Amethyst gets up from her seated position to lay down with him. He’s not in the state to hug or be affectionate with anyone, and Steven thinks that Amethyst is able to pick up on that somehow. She stays on top of the blankets and doesn’t hold eye contact for longer than a moment or so. Steven notices that Amethyst keeps looking back up at Peridot. Peridot doesn’t move her eyes from the control center.

Amethyst hands Steven his playful kitty plush. His name is Brian. Steven knows it’s not important, but he feels bad if he doesn’t refer to his stuffed animals by name. Steven hugs the plush to his face and inhales deeply. Brian doesn’t really smell like anything, but Steven’s had him for years so he reminds Steven of good memories. Reminds him of the safety of his dad’s arms. Feels like home.

He looks up to see that Amethyst is smiling at Peridot, a look of immense admiration in her eyes. Behind that Steven thinks he’s able to detect another look of love, but a more depressing kind. He knows that she’s probably thinking about Lapis. He knows that Peridot probably is too.

Steven doesn’t know what to feel. He’s excited to see Lapis, but he can’t help but feel overwhelmingly anxious. He’s afraid of what she’ll say. He’s afraid of what she’ll do. He’s afraid that Peridot won’t be able to find the planet or that the planet won’t be where Lapis is. He’s afraid that Lapis will be angry with him.T

That’s something he should work on. He’s always so afraid that someone will be angry at him. He just wants to keep the peace between everyone he knows, he never wanted to hurt anyone. But he did. He’s hurt connie, he’s hurt his dad, he hurt nearly everyone when he made the decision to turn himself in to Homeworld. He doesn’t know if he wishes he could change the past. In a perfect world none of this would ever have to happen.

_If every pork-chop was perfect, we wouldn’t have hotdogs._

Steven goes back to sleep.

*

“What do you think she’ll say when— if— we find her?” Steven’s only half awake, but he can hear Amethyst quietly strain out the question to Peridot.

“How am I supposed to know? I didn’t know how to get her to stay on earth, I sure as stars don’t know how to get her to come back,” Peridot’s crying.

“Maybe we can…” Amethyst pauses to think, “Maybe we can stay with her for a while, wait until Steven is mostly out of supplies, then come back. We can visit her every now and then. That is, if she doesn’t want to come back.”

There’s a moment of silence. Steven doesn’t want to open his eyes but he’s almost completely sure that Peridot’s crying harder. He thinks he can make out Amethyst holding back sobs too.

“Yeah.” Peridot finally chokes out.

*

Steven pulls out a deck of cards and smiles wide, waggling his eyebrows at Amethyst and Peridot. They both smile back at him and move from their seats onto the floor with Steven. Peridot keeps looking back at the control center to make sure that the autopilot is functioning well. It is. Steven knows that Peridot is proud of herself. He’s proud of her too.

He sits with his knees raised to his chest and places his hands on his legs.

*

Steven dreams of a deep blue, gold flecked, glowing teardrop.

*

Peridot is sitting on Amethyst’s lap in the pilot seat and they’re giggling together. Steven smiles to himself and thinks about how happy they’re gonna be when they see Lapis.

*

“Are we there yet?” Amethyst asks Peridot jokingly.

Peridot rolls her eyes and laughs softly under her breath. Steven thinks she sounds tired, but doesn’t say anything about it.

He sits up and grabs his phone. It’s still at 60% battery and he doesn’t plan on using it that much more. He goes through his photos and deletes the ones he doesn’t need. He doesn’t delete that many, he finds comfort in having pictures of all the good things in his life.

Once he gets bored with going through his camera roll he rummages through his bag and grabs a pack of fruit snacks.

*

Steven wakes up to Peridot leaning over him, shaking him softly.

“You’re up! Good! we landed and Amethyst is searching the planet for signs of the barn right now!” Peridot’s eyes sparkle as she speaks.

*

“Peridot!” Amethyst is running toward the ship with a huge smile on her face, “I found it! I found the barn, but I didn’t see Lapis anywhere. I think she might have gone out to do something. When we all walk over there she’ll probably be back.”

Steven gets up quickly and changes out of the comfy clothes he’s been wearing for ninety six hours.

The three leave the ship and Steven grabs his cheeseburger backpack on the way out. Amethyst says it will probably take them around thirty minutes to get to the barn. Steven pulls his phone out of his pocket and looks at the time. It’s three in the morning on Earth.

“It’s three in the morning on Earth, do you think Lapis might just be asleep? Maybe she tried to keep the same schedule as when she was on Earth?” Steven asks Peridot and Amethyst.

The two others ponder the question for a second, and Amethyst admits that she didn’t go _in_ the barn. She says she rushed back to the ship as soon as she found out the barn was on the planet.

*

Steven can see the red building on the horizon and subconsciously speeds up. Peridot and Amethyst do too. Minutes ago the three were all laughing and cracking jokes, but at this point in their journey they’re too excited to think about anything other than Lapis.

Within minutes Steven is walking through the doors of the barn, he looks around and notices that Lapis is nowhere to be found.

_Maybe she’s in the loft watching Camp Pining Hearts?_

Steven climbs up the ladder and sees Lapis, or more so her gem. He can’t get a good look at her because everything is dark, but he can see her laying on the couch.

“Lapis!” Steven shouts, trying to get her attention. She doesn’t move.

As steven walks closer, he realizes that what he thought was Lapis body was just a blanket. He looks down at her gem. It’s cracked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ooooo whats gonna happen next
> 
> chapter title is from flying model rockets by the front bottoms!


	5. pretend that this is fake it helps to kill the pain

There's a thickness in the air that is impossible for Lapis to explain, but then again everything is impossible for her to explain. She can't use words, she can't move, she's almost like a small kids toy.

She can't really _see_ anything, but she can hear and almost feel everything around her. Despite understanding this, and knowing where she is, everything feels so broken apart. Like there's definitely no way that Lapis could really be hearing three other voices, but she thinks she can. She doesn't really think though, there's no connect between her conscious mind and what she's experiencing. It's like there's a dark grey fog surrounding her and everything in her mind, it's easier for her to think about nothing.

It's like the three voices are bickering. They sound so familiar. She doesn't really care.

Lapis remembers this. She remembers feeling so trapped inside of herself with no one else around. She can't bring herself to believe it, but she thinks she missed feeling this way. There's no one else to worry about, there's no way to prove that anything else around her matters. She can focus on nothing and be okay with it.

However, without truly realizing it, Lapis knows deep in her that she hates this. She did this to herself as punishment because when it comes down to it, Lapis doesn't know how to deal with everything surrounding her when she has to. She makes so many mistakes when everyone is depending on her, so being away from all of that chaos is something she thinks she likes. Sure, she can't really feel anything or apologize or learn or do anything ever, but that's what she deserves.

It's better this way, when no one expects things from anyone.

*

Lapis remembers when she tried to explain being "poofed" to Steven. He said it sounded like daydreaming. Lapis thinks daydreaming sounded better than this. Anything is better than this, but maybe thats because she decided to crack herself instead of just poof.

It's almost like Lapis is sitting alone in a room made just for her, but everything is wrong. There's mold on the ceiling and she tries to breathe but it doesn't feel right. It's not like normal when she tries to breathe because she wants to calm herself down. Normally she feels like everything is so complex, but now she just feels like every living thing is exactly the same. Nothing really matters.

*

The walls should be blue, but they're not blue they're a muddy brown and everything is almost green but also oh so orange and so loud and Lapis can't handle it. And just like that there's so much water flooding into her. She feels like her head is filling up, but not just like when she goes underwater and it gets in her ears. It feels like no matter what this water is never going to leave her, it feels like everywhere on her body needs to be burned or frozen or something— anything— other than feeling like _this._ She can't move. She's stuck.

She closes her eyes and all she can see is Jasper and Malachite and everything feels so wrong. Her body feels so big, yet so incredibly small and useless.

She's so cumbersome and nothing feels right, she tries shifting around but that just makes it feel worse. Her body isn't her own and she can feel Jasper all over her, she can feel water everywhere, she can feel what it was like to be Malachite for so long. There's so much hate trapped inside of her and she can't let go of it.

She holds onto it because it's her problem.

No one else needs to know about anything that happened, no one needs to know how scary it is to be trapped with one other person (one other gem in this case) for so long that you completely change who you are just for them. You don't think you're changing for her, but deep down you know that you are. Every time you do something to alter the way she feels, it just makes everything worse and you know it. You convince yourself that it's better for yourself and for everyone if you just hold things together, if you just keep pushing until things sort themselves out. You never want to hurt anyone but you always do and it always makes everything so bad, you're just trying to do what's right even though nothing has ever felt so wrong in your entire existence and stars you're just so fucking sorry.

Lapis is just so fucking sorry.

She feels empty. She's sitting down with her knees pulled up to her chest, hugging them. Her physical form isn't really there at all, she isn't really able to feel anything, but yet Jasper's touch lingers. She lays down and a tear slides down her face to the floor beneath her. It feels like nothing is going to be right again, she's been having flashbacks for more than a year and she feels guilty about it.

Then, almost as if something had understood the pain she felt, the room filled with pink. Delicate vines spread from the corners to the center of the room, and small flowers soon began blooming. Lapis doesn't understand what is happening because it reminds her so much of Steven, but it's impossible for him to be anywhere near her.

There's a powerful feeling that Lapis can only describe as pure love inside of her that she felt like she could never feel again. She feels a deep pain inside of her dissolve, and it's like a weight is lifted off of her.

It's almost like the time Steven licked her gem and healed it so she could fly home. There's really nothing she can do to explain how, but she feels Steven. She knows that he's with her. Is he dreaming again, and trying to communicate with her? His presence is so much stronger than that, but Lapis just assumes it's because he has better control of his powers by now.

She hears his voice.

"Please, Lapis," Lapis tries to detect emotion in his voice. He might be crying.

"Peridot and Amethyst and I came all this way to see you and we miss you so much-," he's definitely crying, "and I don't know who cracked you this time but we're gonna find them-" _congrats, you found me!_ "and everything is gonna be okay. I promise."

She has to form. She doesn't know anything that's happening, but Lapis knows that she _has_ to form.

By now, reforming comes easily to her and now is no exception. Lapis closes her eyes and imagines herself expanding through her box of a room and back into life. She floats above the couch her cracked gem sat only moments prior for a second before falling back down. She opens her eyes, unsure of what to expect.

Steven is right there, behind him are Peridot and Amethyst holding hands. The love that Lapis felt when she was inside seemed to spread throughout her. She opened her mouth in shock trying to say something, but tears fell from her eyes and a sob escaped before anything else could.

She sees Steven's face light up as she continues to scan her surroundings. She sees Peridot and Amethyst, both of them experiencing just as intense emotions.

Peridot and Amethyst were right there. With Steven. Lapis was thoroughly convinced that she would never see any of these gems again, but the three of them were standing right in front of her.

Tears continued to roll down her face, but now she couldn't stop herself from laughing. Everything feels right, like it's going to be normal again. She even feels like things can be just as good as they were before she was ever trapped in that stupid mirror. She feels so much happening inside of her and she can't stop laughing or crying but everything feels right. She feels-

She knows what she feels. Lapis Lazuli is understanding that what she feels is equally returned love.

She stops laughing.

"I love you all so much," Lapis says, trying to wipe tears from her face even though they won't stop falling.

Steven looks at her, then to Peridot, then to Amethyst. At the same time, the three tackle-hug Lapis and they all shout their greetings as well as scoldings.

"Never do that again!-" coming from Peridot, "I'm so happy to see you!-" from Amethyst.

Lapis lets herself relax for the first time in what feels like centuries. She smiles. Things are okay now.

"You better be coming back to Earth with us, or else..." Steven starts, but trails off. Lapis sniffs in an attempt to clear her nose.

"Don't worry about any or else's, I'm coming back with you guys. This was the worst idea I've ever had." She smiles in a sad sort of way, but no one can see it.

She doesn't want to admit any of the things she feels, she doesn't want to talk about it. She just wants to enjoy what she has while she has it. It's hard for her to do that because she's never really tried, but now she is. She'll learn to be mindful. She'll take things one step at a time.

Steven, Peridot, and Amethyst all pull back from Lapis after they all feel like it's been long enough, and Lapis sees Steven look at her shirt with a quizzical look on his face. Lapis is confused so she looks down. On the front of her halter top, dead center, there's a large embroidered pink rose. Lapis can feel herself warm up and Steven laughs. Lapis receives another hug from Steven and she can't say that she minds at all. She never minds it, and that's perfect.

*

Lapis listens to every story Steven, Peridot, and Amethyst have to tell her about what she missed while she was gone. She doesn't feel the need to act annoyed or bothered. The only thing she feels right now is a warmth deep in her core that is more reassuring than anything at all. She feels safe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i might make an epilogue but like,, idk for sure rip
> 
> chapter title is from lipstick covered magnet by the front bottoms

**Author's Note:**

> literally every lyric i use for titles/bios is probably from the front bottoms rip,,


End file.
